A friend in urgent need - please help!

I don't know if anyone else will see this (considering the sad state of my poor, neglected blog), but I am trying to put the word out in any way that I can.

A dear friend of mine left her abusive husband about six months ago. She is now a single mom to three young children. Her courage in leaving him was great - it was a terrible, terrible situation and it still amazes me she lived through it, and is now on the other side.

Only, she isn't really. Not yet.

Her legal fees are mounting rapidly. He has caused her to spend an enormous amount of money already, and now he is trying to get custody of the children. This man, who abused her in every way imaginable for over a decade is still trying to victimize her. Because of the protection order, he can't get to her physically, so he's going for her where it really hurts - their children.

She needs to raise $1200 by Monday the 12th. Because of his constant emails and phone calls to her laywer, she's spent all her money and more already. There is an important hearing that day and it is critical that she continue to have legal representation.

Please consider donating to help her with her legal fees. This is a chance to help a family in need - a family who has already suffered so much. Please consider helping, and sharing as well. The more we can get the word out, the more people can come to her aid.

http://www.gofundme.com/1yjky8

God is SO good

I need to gush, plain and simple.

God is so good. I looked at my sweet little children this morning, and felt joy. Pure, unadulterated joy.

Ten years ago, I was in the throes of infertility. We'd been trying to get pregnant for a long time, but a long-undiagnosed hormone disorder was making that exceedingly difficult. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I charted every cycle, I read everything I could find about maximizing my chances of getting pregnant. We spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments that never did work. There were moments when I felt I would probably do just about anything to have a baby. But the hardest part was the fear; not knowing if I would ever be a mother. Would I always look at pregnant women with that feeling of sadness, of jealousy? Would I always cry after baby showers and avoid the baby aisles in stores? Would I ever be able to simply be happy for my pregnant friends, without that aura of sadness creeping in through the cracks in my resolve?

The answer, in time, was yes. I was blessed abundantly with three amazing children, and that feeling of fear, of pain, of sadness, gradually dwindled away. Each pregnancy was a triumph, each time my belly swelled it healed me a bit more. Those stretch marks and sags and the pits in my hip bones are badges of honor, of victory, of blessing.

And those children. Oh, how I love them. My heart swells with joy and love, and the amazing thing is sometimes, I can almost feel the flow of love that runs from the Father, through me, to them. The parenting analogy has produced such profound understanding for me - if God loves us even a fraction as much as I love those little people, His love is huge. And He loves us infinitely more. That blows. my. mind. Because I look at those crazy little people He gave me, and I can't imagine my heart being big enough to produce so much love. I can't fathom someone loving me that much. And yet, He does, that and so much more.

My life has been rocky this past year and a half. But nothing, nothing at all could compare with the sight of those three little people. Motherhood is not all sunshine and rainbows, but sometimes it is. Sometimes all I feel for them is a bursting of love and happiness and contentment; a feeling of profound gratitude that I was given this amazing gift. I don't deserve one inch of it, and yet He answered my prayers. He answered my prayers in ways I never could have imagined, or planned, or hoped for.

God is so good.

Tough choices and moving on

Sometimes being a grown up is hard.

We have been on an up and down roller coaster with regard to moving. First, we think we'll move next year. Later, my husband decides it needs to be sooner. We set our sights on summer. Spring moves so quickly, and there is so much to be done; perhaps we can wait. What is six more months, anyway? Then another twist, and we're looking at summer again. But still things aren't certain.

I can't decide if it is the uncertainty, or the inevitability that is bothering me more. The bottom line is, this move will be difficult, and not just because moving sucks. I have never lived in one place so long, never had this tight of a network of friends who are really family. We will be leaving behind so many things, and although we aren't moving so far that we will be cut off from them completely, it is far enough that we have to start over in so many ways.

The uncertainty is hard and makes me want to move now; pull off the band aid and get it over with quickly. Make a plan and do it. Putting it off longer, keeping the timing up in the air, makes me feel insecure and frustrated. Sometimes, I just want to know.

And yet, part of me was so happy at the thought of spending next school year here, in familiarity. Our preschool group could continue. The boys have friends to play with. We have a good routine, with schooling, field trips and activities. Those things will have to be built from the ground up, and I'm not even sure where to start.

The what if questions plague me, pick at me constantly like sand in the wind. I am doing my best to pray and to trust in God. I am trying to keep things in perspective. This isn't the worst thing we will ever face, by far. There are both pros and cons to this change in our lives. And people do it all the time. Why do I have to be so whiny about it?

I hope I will feel better when plans are in place and a date is set. The uncertainty is hard. The physical tasks of moving our life from one home to another are daunting, but what happens once we are there is more daunting still. I've never faced a change like this - a change that affects not only me, but my children as well. I'm not sure how it will all play out, but I guess I need to lean on God right now and pray that He grants me the grace to weather this season.

Our first day with "project time"

I know every day won't be like today, but oh if it could be...

We got our feet wet with this new concept of "project time" today. I had talked with the boys about the idea yesterday and their enthusiasm was so heartwarming. I did have to insist that we get our regular lessons done first, but they were happy enough with that (and even got all their work done before lunch!). After a short break, it was the much anticipated "project time" and they jumped into their work with gusto.

David, who is 8, is working on investigating the Loch Ness Monster. I think he's hoping to make some new discoveries, and maybe prove that it is real. I'm leaving it to him to decide whether that will be possible or not. Today he read some information online, did some sketches of the more famous photographs, discussed criteria to be used in determining whether a photo is real or fake, learned a bit about the capacities of photo editing software, explored maps of Scotland and attempted to make a sculpture of Nessie out of tin foil.

Grayson, who is nearly 6, chose the solar system as his first project. He glanced at a few books we already have, and then spent most of his time making cutouts of each planet with craft foam sheets. He already knows most of what is knowable at a young elementary level when it comes to the solar system, but it is what he is excited about and I was so amazed at his focus and determination as he worked. He wants to hang his planets all over the house, since as he says, the planets aren't all in a line next to each other, they are "all over the place in orbit."

I know part of their excitement today is from the newness of the idea. But it was so fulfilling to see how enthusiastic they were. They loved being able to spend time on their own interests and I think they are realizing this isn't going to be directed by Mommy. They get to call the shots, make decisions, ask for resources and get them. I had requests today for spiral notebooks, tape, air dry clay and more craft foam. David ran into trouble with his attempts at making a model with foil, so he's exploring other ways of creating a mock-up. Grayson proudly showed Daddy his sun and planets and has plans to make the remaining ones tomorrow.

I'm really glad I read Project Based Homeschooling and I think this concept is going to be such a wonderful addition to our little homeschool. I can't wait to see what my little monkeys come up with next.

Incorporating "Project Based Homeschooling"

I've come to realize that my life as a homeschool mom will never reach some sort of "finished" status. I'm never going to make a year's worth of plans that we live out and don't alter. This homeschooling thing is like a living organism or maybe it is just becoming such a part of our living, it moves and changes and grows as we do.

My newest alteration? Project Based Homeschooling. I'd been eyeing that book for some time, alternately adding and removing it from my Amazon shopping cart. I was concerned it would be too overwhelming, and require that I scrap everything we are already doing for a totally new approach. That, I do not need. But on the advice of a few homeschooling friends, I decided to go ahead and read it anyway. Boy, am I glad I did!

Right off the bat, the author tells you that changing everything you're doing is not the point of the book. This is not a purist approach that requires you to do everything in a specific way, right this minute, or you're doing it all wrong. Book like that stress me out (there is one very popular homeschooling book that really made me feel that way). This concept is something you can implement in small ways, a little bit at a time. You don't have to throw out all your curriculum and become a "project homeschool."

The idea is to give your kids time, space, materials and support to pursue their own interests - at their pace, with the materials and resources that they want, and the outcomes are directed by them. So instead of me assigning a project for science or history or what have you, they might decide to do a project on tigers. What form that takes is up to them. They might read about tigers, get books from the library, ask to visit the zoo, watch a documentary or YouTube videos. Then they might sketch tigers, make tiger puppets, paint or paper mache tigers. What they do with it is up to them - the parent is there to assist, get materials, support, encourage, remind them of their questions and ideas, take notes and photographs, etc.

The amazing thing about this is that my kids already do this stuff, to a certain extent. They are constantly coming up with random things to make. This simply gives them some deeper focus to something they did naturally.

My biggest take away, at least to start, is that I can give my kids a space to work, open access to a variety of materials, and work "project time" into our regular routine - and let them take it from there. And I really think they will - I think they're going to take off like a couple little rockets.

I get the security blanket of still doing reading and handwriting and math and even history and science, as part of our "lesson time." And they get project time to pursue their own interests, in their time, with the resources they want, with me there simply to support and help when they need it. It sounds like a great big WIN-WIN to me.

I told my boys about the concept and they were THRILLED. We were all so excited we wound up rearranging the furniture in our "school area" upstairs (which is a bedroom-sized loft area). We moved the small tables so they have their own desks, magnet boards will be hung later so they can have space to display their notes, sketches and pictures. I cleared a couple of shelves that will soon house more art supplies. And in the afternoon, we will have "project time" as a regular part of our day.

And what does my inquisitive little 8 year old want to dive into for his first project? The Loch Ness Monster. He wants to sift through the evidence and see if he can figure out if the creature is real or not. I refrained from telling him that if scientists can't come to a clear conclusion, he probably won't either. He'll get there on his own. In the meantime, based on tonight's flurry of ideas, I think I see a giant Nessie hanging from the ceiling in our future.

I'm excited for this new direction. I feel like it is the best of both worlds that I want our learning to inhabit - more structured academic learning, and self-directed learning. I think dedicating time and energy to both will give us a pretty well rounded learning environment.

Musing on preschool

I'm in such a quandary over what to do for my 3 1/2 year old daughter in terms of preschool. I am firmly of the mind that little children don't need a lot of academics and that pushing them too early is probably not a good idea. I don't want a formal preschool curriculum. But I also have a little girl who climbs up in my lap every day and asks to "do school." I find myself scrambling to come up with something that, to her, feels like we are doing school, that she wants to do right at that moment.

I have "Peak With Books," loaned to my by a friend, which has a lot of great ideas. But it requires a lot of planning ahead, and my poor third child is not getting the bulk of my planning time for her benefit. I also have a tub of random preschoolish activities that were passed on to me, and sometimes we're able to pull something out of that, but it isn't really enough.

I read to her often, and she's the little tag along on lots of outings and field trips and other activities. We have a little preschool group that meets twice a month at our house, and we do stories and games and art projects and such. She loves that time and it makes me sad that her "preschool friends," as she calls it, will be lost when we move.

What I need is something that isn't too structured, but already laid out for me to use. Something I can open up, pull something out, and go. I've looked and looked, and I don't think what I want actually exists.

I should probably do something organization wise, rather than trying to find the perfect curriculum. Maybe if I had a little preschool basket that was hers - I could put in special books, maybe with a theme, as well as other little supplies and a few worksheets she can scribble on. When I come up with other ideas for activities for her to do, I can place them in the basket and she can choose what she wants to do during our school time.

That's a good thought. Of course, it means I have to actually, you know, PREPARE stuff, which I'm awful at. I should say, I'm inconsistent. Sometimes I have all kinds of things prepped and ready to go. But eventually I fall behind, get overwhelmed and subsequently ignore everything in favor of Facebook, blog reading and pinterest, and fall into bed at the end of the night with a running list of things I didn't get done and the knowledge that I did it all to myself.

Sigh.

I need to think more on how to make some special time and resources for my littlest nugget.

My little boy and his bedtime worries

My oldest son has serious issues when he is overtired. He always has, from the time he was a newborn baby. He would stay awake too long and have a terrible time falling asleep again. That trait hasn't left him, it has just taken different forms as he's gotten a little older. Now that he is eight, it has turned into bedtime fears. The poor little guy is a bit of a worrier anyway, but when he is extra tired, he invents the strangest things to be afraid of. Sure, he's had the typical fear of monsters or of the house burning down - things that seem to be pretty normal for some kids. But in addition to those, he's amassed quite the list of irrational fears.

He went through a phase of being afraid of touching two separate substances, mysteriously found on everyday objects, that, when combined, would turn into poison.

He's been afraid of things like monsters, but also of randomly turning into a zombie.

He was afraid of "bad guys" breaking in through his room, despite the fact that the window is locked and his room is on the second story.

He was afraid of various things in his room coming alive in the night.

For a while he was afraid that his brain didn't work properly and he would stop breathing if he didn't think about breathing.

They've gotten more elaborate as time has gone on. Tonight he was afraid that his brother was going to somehow rip out his own rib, and that he might be randomly compelled to do the same thing. This was after Grayson, the little brother, showed him how he could stick his fingers under his lowest rib (skinny little dude that he is). This completely freaked him out and he jumped to the conclusion that not only would it be possible to rip your own rib out, but that Grayson was going to rip out a rib and then he just might do it too.

The hard thing is that when he gets overtired (a few too many late bedtimes is all it takes), he gets completely irrational at bedtime and no matter how many times we tell him, "It is physically impossible to rip a rib out of your own body," he doesn't believe you. He'll look you in the eye and whimper and wring his little hands and say, "Ok." Then when you try to leave, he starts in again with the, "But I'm scared!" and insist he's still afraid of the same thing.

Tonight we managed to help him calm himself down fairly quickly, although not without a lot of frustration on all sides. I feel bad that I'm not more sympathetic to his anxieties, but the tough part is, once he gets past a certain point of hysterical, he usually has to just wear himself out crying for a while before we can get through to him. Fortunately tonight wasn't so bad, he calmed down relatively quickly and we prayed together and he was able to go to bed.

One thing I really want for him is to be able to handle his emotions on his own. Obviously he's still a little guy, so we're here to help him wade through the tide of his fears. But over time, he needs to develop some ability to cope. He's very sensitive, emotionally, and does have a lot of worries. We're working on some ways for him to express those feelings and work them out, so I hope that will help him in the long run. I just don't want him to grow up without the deep realization that he is in charge of himself - he can make choices as to how he reacts and how he handles any situation.

He's a wonderful little guy, so smart and sensitive and caring. I'm sure glad God is in charge, because I never could have dreamed up a kid so awesome. I sure hope I'm worthy of the incredible honor of being his mother - and not screwing him up too badly.