Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Dear Human Resources,

Dear Human Resources,

I am writing in earnest, as I seem to have missed the memo describing the procedure for calling in sick. Perhaps my assumption of sick days is faulty, but in my previous occupations, at least a small amount of sick time was expected, and given. In my current occupation, of which I have been employed for nearly 7 1/2 years, I have failed to discover the means to actually taking advantage of said sick time, regardless of how ill I have become.

My duties do not seem to lessen in the least during an illness; in fact, they seem to increase exponentially as my underlings appear to be susceptible to similar outbreaks, usually at the most inconvenient of times, and expect me to take care of not only my own needs, but theirs as well.

I implore you - when I am sick, I have great difficulty completing the most basic of tasks. Case in point:

  • Homeschool expectations have dropped by a staggering 80% with reading being completed only 50% of the time and math a mere 25%.
  • Laundry has gone from a stage 1 to at least a stage 7 in the last 24 hours.
  • Dinner this evening consisted of nutritionally suspect items peddled by a creepy clown with a red nose.
  • TV watching has increased dramatically, as my ability to cope with my charges has been reduced by at least 75%.
  • Dramatic Mommy outbursts have increased by a factor of four, including the need to apologize to underlings for unreasonable voice-raising and multiple assurances that said bad mood is not the fault of the underlings. (At some point it may be prudent to make allowances for therapy in adulthood, in lieu of educational funding.)

I assure you that performance of my job duties will rebound far faster if I am allowed just a small amount of sick time. If someone could reply and inform me of how to apply for such time, it would be greatly appreciated. I can guarantee that my job performance will improve in the following ways, if given adequate sick leave to recover from my illness:

  • Homeschool will once again proceed as planned and fun learning experiences will commence.
  • Charges will be well fed nutritious food throughout the day.
  • While I make no guarantee that laundry will revert to a stage 0 (as in, complete) well, ever - I can assure that the current discrepancy in clean clothes vs. dirty will be rectified to at least am 85/15 ratio.
  • TV watching will go back to a far more reasonable amount and expectation of book reading and independent play will increase by 90%.
  • Perhaps most importantly, for it underlies the accomplishment of above objectives, Mommy Mood will improve from a -10 to a minimum of a 7, with spikes of 9 and above (especially on sunny days or with added chocolate).

I'd like to take this moment to emphasize that I adore my job and have no desire to give up my title of "Mommy" to these delightful little creatures. Thank you very much for your time.


aka. Mommy

1 comment:

Human Resources said...

Calling in sick is never respected, no matter what job you have. In the other work world I had an employer who would demand doctors notes if you called in sick. In the mean time doctors had started charging $10.00 to give such notes. Plus if you are sick, you often do not feel like going to a doctor. Thank heavens I never did feel the need to call in sick on that job, but I thought that if ever I did I would charge the boss for the cost of the sick note. I realize many people have jobs where they are actually allowed paid sick days, I was never so lucky, as neither are you...
Great blog, funny, and true. Enjoyed.