Wednesday, May 22, 2013

God is SO good

I need to gush, plain and simple.

God is so good. I looked at my sweet little children this morning, and felt joy. Pure, unadulterated joy.

Ten years ago, I was in the throes of infertility. We'd been trying to get pregnant for a long time, but a long-undiagnosed hormone disorder was making that exceedingly difficult. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I charted every cycle, I read everything I could find about maximizing my chances of getting pregnant. We spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments that never did work. There were moments when I felt I would probably do just about anything to have a baby. But the hardest part was the fear; not knowing if I would ever be a mother. Would I always look at pregnant women with that feeling of sadness, of jealousy? Would I always cry after baby showers and avoid the baby aisles in stores? Would I ever be able to simply be happy for my pregnant friends, without that aura of sadness creeping in through the cracks in my resolve?

The answer, in time, was yes. I was blessed abundantly with three amazing children, and that feeling of fear, of pain, of sadness, gradually dwindled away. Each pregnancy was a triumph, each time my belly swelled it healed me a bit more. Those stretch marks and sags and the pits in my hip bones are badges of honor, of victory, of blessing.

And those children. Oh, how I love them. My heart swells with joy and love, and the amazing thing is sometimes, I can almost feel the flow of love that runs from the Father, through me, to them. The parenting analogy has produced such profound understanding for me - if God loves us even a fraction as much as I love those little people, His love is huge. And He loves us infinitely more. That blows. my. mind. Because I look at those crazy little people He gave me, and I can't imagine my heart being big enough to produce so much love. I can't fathom someone loving me that much. And yet, He does, that and so much more.

My life has been rocky this past year and a half. But nothing, nothing at all could compare with the sight of those three little people. Motherhood is not all sunshine and rainbows, but sometimes it is. Sometimes all I feel for them is a bursting of love and happiness and contentment; a feeling of profound gratitude that I was given this amazing gift. I don't deserve one inch of it, and yet He answered my prayers. He answered my prayers in ways I never could have imagined, or planned, or hoped for.

God is so good.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Tough choices and moving on

Sometimes being a grown up is hard.

We have been on an up and down roller coaster with regard to moving. First, we think we'll move next year. Later, my husband decides it needs to be sooner. We set our sights on summer. Spring moves so quickly, and there is so much to be done; perhaps we can wait. What is six more months, anyway? Then another twist, and we're looking at summer again. But still things aren't certain.

I can't decide if it is the uncertainty, or the inevitability that is bothering me more. The bottom line is, this move will be difficult, and not just because moving sucks. I have never lived in one place so long, never had this tight of a network of friends who are really family. We will be leaving behind so many things, and although we aren't moving so far that we will be cut off from them completely, it is far enough that we have to start over in so many ways.

The uncertainty is hard and makes me want to move now; pull off the band aid and get it over with quickly. Make a plan and do it. Putting it off longer, keeping the timing up in the air, makes me feel insecure and frustrated. Sometimes, I just want to know.

And yet, part of me was so happy at the thought of spending next school year here, in familiarity. Our preschool group could continue. The boys have friends to play with. We have a good routine, with schooling, field trips and activities. Those things will have to be built from the ground up, and I'm not even sure where to start.

The what if questions plague me, pick at me constantly like sand in the wind. I am doing my best to pray and to trust in God. I am trying to keep things in perspective. This isn't the worst thing we will ever face, by far. There are both pros and cons to this change in our lives. And people do it all the time. Why do I have to be so whiny about it?

I hope I will feel better when plans are in place and a date is set. The uncertainty is hard. The physical tasks of moving our life from one home to another are daunting, but what happens once we are there is more daunting still. I've never faced a change like this - a change that affects not only me, but my children as well. I'm not sure how it will all play out, but I guess I need to lean on God right now and pray that He grants me the grace to weather this season.