Sunday, May 12, 2013

Tough choices and moving on

Sometimes being a grown up is hard.

We have been on an up and down roller coaster with regard to moving. First, we think we'll move next year. Later, my husband decides it needs to be sooner. We set our sights on summer. Spring moves so quickly, and there is so much to be done; perhaps we can wait. What is six more months, anyway? Then another twist, and we're looking at summer again. But still things aren't certain.

I can't decide if it is the uncertainty, or the inevitability that is bothering me more. The bottom line is, this move will be difficult, and not just because moving sucks. I have never lived in one place so long, never had this tight of a network of friends who are really family. We will be leaving behind so many things, and although we aren't moving so far that we will be cut off from them completely, it is far enough that we have to start over in so many ways.

The uncertainty is hard and makes me want to move now; pull off the band aid and get it over with quickly. Make a plan and do it. Putting it off longer, keeping the timing up in the air, makes me feel insecure and frustrated. Sometimes, I just want to know.

And yet, part of me was so happy at the thought of spending next school year here, in familiarity. Our preschool group could continue. The boys have friends to play with. We have a good routine, with schooling, field trips and activities. Those things will have to be built from the ground up, and I'm not even sure where to start.

The what if questions plague me, pick at me constantly like sand in the wind. I am doing my best to pray and to trust in God. I am trying to keep things in perspective. This isn't the worst thing we will ever face, by far. There are both pros and cons to this change in our lives. And people do it all the time. Why do I have to be so whiny about it?

I hope I will feel better when plans are in place and a date is set. The uncertainty is hard. The physical tasks of moving our life from one home to another are daunting, but what happens once we are there is more daunting still. I've never faced a change like this - a change that affects not only me, but my children as well. I'm not sure how it will all play out, but I guess I need to lean on God right now and pray that He grants me the grace to weather this season.

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