Friday, May 6, 2011

Change and doing God's will

My husband and our best friend run an IT company that works in the healthcare industry. They have a parent company, basically the medical campus where they work, but they are supposed to be a separate entity. They've been a separate company for five years now, and before that they worked as in-house employees for what is now their largest client.

Without going into all the drama, things are uncertain. Not worried-about-losing-his-job uncertain, but our future here is up in the air. This isn't the first time we've felt this anxiety, but the up and down road we've been on took a serious turn downward and we're not sure things are going to make it back up again.

We are so fortunate that his job itself isn't in jeopardy right now. I don't have to worry about whether he'll be employed next week or next month. But with the future here so uncertain, I'm feeling off kilter. He feels that this job, this company, this career path aren't taking him where he wants to go. There's no opportunity left. My husband is a doer, a creater, a mover. He can't sit still, literally and figuratively. Some things happened this last week that have severely damaged his trust with the managing partner of their parent company, and showed him that if he stays here long term, nothing is going to change for the better. And he can't live like that for long.

We took a big risk with this job. We moved to a place where there aren't nearly as many job opportunities available, so if this didn't work out, we'd probably have to either face a lengthy commute, or moving again. I was hesistant to move farther from family and some of our friends, but overall, this move has been amazing for us. I can't say I'd want to live in this town for the rest of my life, but I was sure hoping it would work to raise our children here. So much has changed for us, for the better, and much of it wouldn't have happened if we'd stayed where we were before. At the time, neither of us were doing much praying about anything, but in spite of ourselves, God led us here and it's made all the difference.

Now I don't know if our time here is coming to and end or not. I hope it isn't. There are still good options that could keep us living here, but there's a lot of uncertainty surrounding all of them. I just don't know.

But what I really am pondering isn't whether we'll be able to sell our house if we have to move, or where we'll go, or what job my husband will get. I'm consumed with a desire to understand God's will. I feel like it was truly God's will that we move here when we did, and we managed to get here without even really trying to listen to Him. Now I'm trying, really trying, to listen. And I'm scared I won't understand what He's trying to tell us.

I've experienced being on the other side of doing His will in the past. I've been able to look back and see His hand clearly guiding us, although I didn't realize it at the time. But we might have some major decisions facing us in the not too distant future and I'm scared that even though I'm trying to hear Him, trying to listen... that I'm going to get it wrong. Like somehow I've been showing up for these life pop quizzes and, not even realizing I was taking a test, I aced them. But now I know there's a big test coming up and I'm freaking out that I'm going to get all the answers wrong. I even have a study guide and notes and access to the professor.  But I haven't ever taken one of these big tests knowingly, and it's a little scary.

For all I know, something will happen at his job and suddenly our future here will be stable again, at least for a while. Or maybe something else will come up that will solve the problem for us. But I'm looking toward our future with new eyes; eyes that want to see God's will for us and be open to it. I just hope I can be quiet enough to listen... and hear.

2 comments:

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Hi Claire! So glad you found the Bubble, and oh my goodness, I have a post for you, after reading your fears here! I think this will help:

http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2010/04/knowing-gods-will-and-catholic-freedom.html

I will pray for you!

Claire said...

Thank you Leila! That was exactly what I needed to read right now - great perspective. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, and for your prayers!