I wrote in my journal recently about worry. I'd been reading a bit of the Gospel of Matthew and came across:
So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today. ~Matthew 6:34
There is so much in Matthew that I fail to live up to, but right now this one screams at me pretty loudly. I have three children and in the last week and a half, the oldest and youngest have both been quite sick. The middle one broke his arm about four weeks ago and we had some unexpected, and expensive, complications this last week. We have serious medical bills staring us in the face and we just found out the life insurance policy we were applying for will cost us three times as much as we originally thought. Our health insurance coverage is getting worse than it already is and the icing on this already large cake of stress is, drum roll please, my mom is having brain surgery on Tuesday to remove a tumor.
Worry? Stress? No, not me. Not at all. <insert sarcasm font here>
I've been thinking a lot lately about trust, and how to place my trust in God. This is a challenge for me. How do I place my trust in Him, be open to His will and His guidance, still do my part, and know the difference between what I think I should do and what He wants me to do. Because when it comes to what is right for me, I'm betting my money on Him every time. Then why is that so hard?
I don't know when my kids will be healthy again. I don't know if my three year old will need expensive physical therapy on top of the two surgeries he's had to fix his arm. I don't know how we'll pay for our medical bills. And I don't know if my mom will be ok. And I don't even know that praying about these things is going to get me the outcome I'm hoping for. Because it just isn't that simple.
And yet, will worrying about any of these things, right now, this moment change anything? It doesn't help to get myself twisted in knots over our finances or my mom's health. If I go to bed tonight at peace it won't make a lick of difference in whether the bills get paid. Stewing over the stresses of every day life doesn't do anything but make me miserable. So maybe Jesus was on to something there...
This has been a tough couple of weeks. A tough month, really. Struggles can serve a greater purpose, however. It reminds me that I am not alone, nor am I capable on my own. It reminds me that I have to lean on Him, on His grace and love. I need to be open to God's guidance and stop putting my own plans and ideas first. He might actually know what He's doing, and I ought to quiet down enough to listen.